Thursday, August 1st, 2002
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8:19 am - Birthdays
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Well..I turned 33 on Monday..and boy was I in a rotten mood all day. I dont really know why...just was. I dont really feel bad about getting older...well..maybe I do..Its weird...I am older in years but I dont feel like I am older in experience and all...though I know I am..I guess its the fact that I am still in school::shrugs::
Oh well..I plan to be a rotten OLD OLD lady that everyone keeps wondering when I am EVER going to die::laughs::
I hope I can do all the things I want to do..I suppose that is it..here I am continuaing to get older and I havent done close to all the things I want to do and I am afraid time will run out on me.
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Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
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7:54 am - Tired
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This last week was VERY long. Moving is always fun but then my youngest son fell and broke this thigh...spiral fracture..he had to have surgery. He is home and doing well..but he is in a wheelchair and that is wearing me out!!::grins::Our house is not wheelchair accessable..and so the wheelchair doesnt work in a lot of places. I always respected handicapped people but now even more so.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
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4:53 pm - Squealing
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Its been sooo long since I wrote anything here..so busy with trying to get house done and damn damn finals..::falls over exhausted::You have no idea all the personal shit too....I ended up cutting again..man I tried SOOOOOOOOOOO hard not to but..this sounds stupid but it almost felt good to do it.
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Thursday, March 21st, 2002
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5:53 pm - studying
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this is me studying for geography..I hate geography only because I am being made to take it..one of my last gen ed classes..but still..BLAH!!
This week I have been mistaken twice for my oldest son's big sister...::makes face::Not sure how I am suppose to feel about it..he was embrassed..::laughs::Everyone tells me I dont look old enough to have 3 kids the ages they are..wonder how I am suppose to look??
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Monday, March 18th, 2002
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5:59 pm - stress
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Okay..I am very stressed..I have been solicited by two honor societies...I went ahead and joined them..Phi Alpha Theta and Goldkey Honor Society..I mean..I am proud of myself and really flattered but now I am so scared..what if I suddenly start failing now???
OR what if I get tooo confident and start screwing up??
I mean..I dont think of myself as smart at all..I work like a dog to get the grades I do..and I know this means that worked paid off..but..I guess I thought I would manage to go unnoticed...
course here is the worse thing..WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR TO BOTH THESE DINNERS!!!! AAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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9:54 am - Quizzes
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Lets see..so far I am Yuna, a female cenobite, 60% Goth and Belle!!! Now how is that for a combo
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9:29 am - Lookie Lookies
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Goodness..I am on spring break and I actually update this stupid journal...now do I have anything of earthshattering importance to say..no..but I was thinking...I really thought when I got to be this age I would be taller..LOTs taller..still short..more elegant..I just went stranger instead..more intelligent..which I dont care what my mother says I still fill stupid..like I am taking too much information and trying to shove it into a tiny space with a BIG stick...it just wont fit..my mother says its because I lack confidence in myself..I am a good student..A's and B's only and I work like a dog..but I never speak up..never give information and never state my opinion.
I also thought that a freak thing would happen and I would actually get to be as pretty as my sister..never happened..too many freckles...I dont look any different than I did at 22..just cooler clothes is all...my mom says thats a blessing because people always think I am a kid..its funny sometimes because people ask to speak to my mom..or they think my kids are hers and I am the big sister...its really funny sometimes then other times I HATE IT!! I mean Geezz..stop carding me already!!!! AGH!!!
Okay..boy that was a whole lot of nothing....here I am drifting along aimless and trapped just shaking the bars but afraid that they will open....
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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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7:57 am - Bingo
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hehe..I just felt like saying Bingo..I dont know why..just popped into my head.
Its funny..I am on break from school and I hate it..I feel sorta lost..adrift since I have nothing I have to be getting done..guess I like feeling like I will explode soon...like my head is going to explode in a messy little mess..hehe..messy mess...
Okay..enough of me being mundane..I have pictures I need to finish and a bathroom to clean!!
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Sunday, March 10th, 2002
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5:40 pm - Hoopy!!!!
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Today I am in a good mood!! Glory be is it true?? Yes..its true..Yesterday I was in a foul mood..everything pissed me off!!!! I was jumping down everyones throats and pulling their lungs out through their noses...today I am almost happy!!! My house is coming along..slowing I am on spring break..well actually I just wont be at school for a week but I will be doing school work in a hope of getting ahead...why..who knows...I got a bitchin pair of boots...and I actually got all the laundry done!!! I mean..ALL of the laundry!!! I was sooo shocked!!!Hehehe
Saw the LOTR again friday..4 times..think I can wait for the DVD now..Friday going to see Resident Evil..never played the games..watched David play them..the controls always pissed me off..but it looks cool and I always need to get out of the house.
Whats new in music..nothing..I am at a musically dry spell..wish Type O had some new stuff out...but I just cant seem to find anybody else out their that is new who I think is worth my $20.00..I mean..thats a lot of money and I want the music to be good!!!! Thinking of buying Gorillaz but I cant quite decide.
My doodles are coming along..I may actually be getting better if I dare to say it..
School is okay..doing well in Ancient Egyptian, okay in german, sailing thru Geography and holding on to the floating log in Reformation...I just hate the church and so that class is hard for me. All those POPES!!
Ack..okay now that I have rattled on about nothing I think I will go and have some chocolate milk.
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Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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7:17 pm - Blah blah blah
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its been a while since I wrote anything....I dont hate my husband at the moment..still hating my grandmother...LONG story I dont feel like going into...my sister is finally, maybe going to get a divorce!!::happy dance::...school..is school..I feel old..I feel fat...I feel ugly..I feel lost...misunderstood..course you cant be misunderstood if no one understands you in the first place..::big grin:: I feel wasted...stupid..drifting..Maybe its because I am going to be 33 and I still feel 23. Wonderful why I dont write anything happy sometimes..probably because when I am happy I am too busy being happy...I feel like standing on a cliff and screaming really really loudly..I feel like getting lost...
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Thursday, January 24th, 2002
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7:38 pm - Over
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Friday, January 18th, 2002
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4:18 pm - Endings
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Well..it looks like my grandmother is going to die soon..I mean REAL soon..they have given her just days. and..well I dont know how I feel about it. I got a tattoo yesterday for her..a pair of yellow roses with a fairy sitting among them ...dont know why I did it...bunch of shit I suppose...
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Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
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3:51 pm
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At this moment I hate my husband...god he can be such an ass..but thats probably most men..they are all arses..or I just bring it out in them.
I should crawl in a hole somewhere...
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2002
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7:16 pm - Totem animal
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I just took that test for your totem animal..::grins::mine is the Wolf...
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(comment on this)
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7:01 pm - New Years Resolutions
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1. to be less bitchy
2. to be more positive
3. to buy this really funky 18thcentury style jacket even though it is $80.
4. to draw better
5. to color better
6. to finish my bacholar degree
7. to start my master degree
8. to have more confidence
9. to not give a fuck about what anyone thinks about me!
10. to finally move into my house!!!
11. to plant my garden with fairies!
12. to walk and walk and walk
13. to read even more than I do now
14. to decide on my area in history for my masters program
15. to eat better
16. to try and stop cutting on myself
17. to be a better mother
18. to be a better wife
19. to be a better person
20. to REALLY try and like people around me
21. to tell Cory that he is gay and should face it!!!
22. to tell Cory off.
23. to look even more into my spirit
24. to develop my ablitiles
25. to become better with my tarot cards
26. to become better with my runes
27. to smack the next person that tells me there are no such things as witches
28. to get another tattoo
29. to learn to color with the computer
30. to achieve at least 5 of these things this year.
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Monday, December 24th, 2001
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8:11 am
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Merry Christmas to everyone out there who has taken the time to get to know me and to all my adopted little sisters..I love each and everyone of you.
I hope this next year brings a bit of happiness and joy to everyone or at least nothing horrid.
May the Goddess smile on you. I love you all with all my heart.
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Saturday, December 22nd, 2001
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5:05 pm - HATE
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I never thought I could hate someone sooo much. YES..I am talking about my Grandmother again. You know..this time she said I could not handle money..and so she did not want my name on her and my mothers account...Like I would ever WANT to touch her money..my mother wanted to do it in case something was to ever happen to her..God forbid..
Its not just that..its so many things..God I hate her..I just wish she would fucking DIE!!
On the good front though I have two weeks left of break and just found out that I am of senior status and they are bugging me to graduate..which means Graduate School!!! YEAH!!!!
Drawing is going okay..been puting all my new pics up at Mediaminer.org..so all this hate is being vented in pics..even if I dont draw well and I dont put my feelings into pictures..maybe I should but its so very hard..I did it while I was going thru my divorce and seperation from my kids..all those pics are black and grey with twisting masses in the middle of them..I dont think anyone would want to see them..they are REALLY disturbing..and I drew them.
AGH..
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Saturday, December 15th, 2001
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8:18 am - Did you ever feel
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Did you ever feel that all your feelings are stupid? I mean that you have no right to ever feel any of the feelings you are having. No justification?
I keep being told by others that I have never mourned my father, or my grandfather and that I dont know how to mourn anything. Hmm...but when you feel that you have to be the one staple thing around all the other people mourning you forget that you should tooo..and then it never happens. I feel like I have a vortex that ever so offen explodes outward.
But not just that...I feel that any feels I have are not worth having..or rather that I shouldnt have them because someone is always worse off than me..I have no right to feel depressed, sad, scared,..I mean I am just so stupid.
My sister says that I am a cold bitch. Maybe she is right..sometimes I feel that way. I never have really cried about the deaths in my family..not even the animals really. Funny eh?
But when I do express a "bad" emotion everyone gets upset with me...made because I tend to go to the extreme..I dont know.
Boy..this all sounds like I am never ever happy doesnt it? But I am..a lot..just that when I get depressed it lasts for a few days..course it doesnt help that my arm hurts like hell and keeps reminding me of what an idiot I am!!::laughs::
Well..I am feeling VERY old today so I am going to go and bake cookies and wallow in the fact I am out of school for 3 whole weeks!!!!
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Friday, December 14th, 2001
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7:45 am - Every time
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Every time I think I am getting better I slip up and do it again..I bite my arm last night and cut it with scissors..I was so upset with my mother with the situtation with myself I just lost control..its like I am going to explode and I take it out on myself.
I didnt tell anyone but my sleeve on my pjs must have rolled up while I slept because David woke me up with my arm in his hand. He told me I scare him..I scare myself..Just wish I could get it together and stop feeling like I am going to fall apart with a strong breeze..feel like stone..slowly wearing away.
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Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
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2:47 pm - Feeling better mostly
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Yeah..today has been a good day...cloudy..no school work i HAVE to have done right this second..Type O playing in the backgroud..artwork to work on..::smile::I need more days like this...moments when my soul is at peace..when I dont feel the constant pressure of misery on me..I miss when I was a child and the world held more magic for me and the future was always so bright instead of being this dim foggy thing that it is now...I always have to peer very hard to see it now...ACK!! okay stop that!!::smacks self::I am going to go and work on my drawings and forget about banality.
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